August 27, 2009

Rock Bottom. Help.

It's happened. I've hit rock bottom. I guess you have to hit it in order to move back up. I have to make some changes and fast.

I always liked this phrase: If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got. And then there's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So the real question is, being as that I know those things, why do I live that way?

I had an appointment with my therapist last night. It's really hard to hear the truth. Especially when the truth is that I'm literally killing myself by trying so hard. She said I'm having that fight or flight response- and my body is fighting like hell and it's killing me. She said those words, many times. It's killing me. Then later, my husband sees me depressed and writhing in pain, and he says that it seems like my pain has increased a ton since I got diagnosed with Fibro, and then he asked if I thought maybe it was all in my head. I know he's just asking a question and not trying to be mean, but that really hurt. I could go on about all the reasons my stress has increased and my ability to manage it has decreased, but really, what's the point. I need to move forward.

So here's where I really need help. I need to figure out how to not over-invest myself in things, particularly work. I want to do a great job, but I need to stop feeling like I own the place and that all of the problems are my burden. The thing is, I'm the office manager. I've always felt that it was my responsibility to make sure we made money and that things ran smoothly. The bigger issue now is that we are in financial trouble. We are really down to skin and bones staff. I'm the only administrative person left. I answer phones, I do the mail, I call for collections, on top of all the things I'm supposed to be doing as manager; I do it all.

How does one separate themselves to not bleed the company's colors, yet still be a great employee? I truly feel lost at this. I cannot go on like I have been though. I'm going to get swallowed up from the stress. It's killing me. I wish I could figure out why I feel such great responsibility for this and yet I'm completely irresponsible when it comes to actually taking care of me.

If anyone has any ideas, or any websites I should look at or books to read... anything. I'm open to suggestion.

I cannot go on like this. I have to make a change. Now.


  1. Hi,its jenn fr.twitter.I believe tht u SHOULD explain it 2 your husband,at least once.If he truly luvs u,then it may help 4him to know EXACTLY wutz going on&how you're feeling.If hes the insincere type tht would rather believe its "all in your head"cuz tht way he doesnt hav2 feel responsible,than save your breath.
    As far as u doing 2much&"killing yourself",its true we really hav2 be careful not 2 overdue it.For me,the when I FINALLY hav a "good"day I try2 pile as much as possible&MORE in2 tht day,cuz I dont know when I'll hav another 1.Now,I've been diagnosed w/fibro for 18+yrs&Im STILL doing tht,if not more so.Its something,I think we ALWAYS struggle with,I feel,we're used2 taking on more than we should,even b4 we were sick.Just as women in the workplace,mothers&wives we hav2 always do more cuz either thts just the way it is or cuz we hav2 prove ourselves one way or another.BUT,now tht we're sic&our bodies are forcing us to slow down&just say NO sometimes,it goes against everything we know.
    Its hard when you're the 1 at work,expected to keep things working properly&keep things afloat but,things HAV2 be different now.Your body is telling u&your therapist is telling u tht its time to start slowing down&saying no more often.People wont like it at first,maybe never,you'll feel guilty if something goes wrong&people will MAKE you feel guilty 2,you'll feel like you're the only 1 tht can do "it",BUT you HAV2 listen 2 your body,if its saying 2 slow down or even stop 4 awhile.If u dont,you'll pay 4 it&it'll take longer&longer to "recover"til u just dont hav any good days at all.Now,Im NOT trying2 scare u,Im just trying2 tell u from MY experiances what can happen.
    Oh!Im SO SORRY! I didnt realize how much I was writing.LOL!!I'll try 2 cut it down next time.I just REALLY feel 4U&I remember when I first got diagnosed&how scared&confused I was.And back then Drs.&ppl.knew even less about fibro than they do now.I hope I helped in some sm.way.Just NEVER FORGET YOU ARE NOT ALONE=D

  2. Hi, found you from Fibro blog ( - look forward to reading more and getting to know you. Saw you are 32 with a recent diagnosis. I'm 31, diagnosed Jan 08. Sorry to hear you hit rock bottom. Don't have much to say right now, just wanted to comment... see you around.

    {gentle hugs}

  3. I've been where you are. I've tried everything under the sun that has an Rx stamped on it.

    I have been on a treatment called the guaifenesin protocol for almost nine months now and it has brought back so much mobility and decreased so much of my pain. I invite you to check it out here at Dr. St. Amand's website: and you can also read his book, "What your doctor may not tell you about fibromyalgia" in any local library or purchase it from

    If you want to read more about my own experiences on guaifenesin and the protocol you can check out my FM blog here: Scroll down to the tags on the left hand column and click on My Protocol Updates. I don't sugar coat it. It's hard. But it's worth it.

    I'm healing.

    I wish you all the best.