August 24, 2009

Living and Lyrica

Update on Lyrica. I'm feeling exhausted. It's almost impossible to wake up in the morning. I stopped taking any sleeping pills, so I guess I should try adding them back in... who knows. I'm having weird dreams, and while I don't remember waking up throughout the night, I haven't been this tired for a while.

I felt a bit less pain over the weekend, but now that I'm back at work, I'm really hurting. So is it the stress? Or having to wake up and not take naps? I'm also feeling really depressed. I'm really tired of being in pain, and I'm tired of wearing this stupid boot.

I realized that I don't ever do anything fun, but when I try to figure out what I'd like to do for fun, I have no idea. I think this is all wearing down my husband too. His mom has Chronic Fatigue, so he's used to being around someone who's sick a lot, however he's eluded to me that she was in good spirits moreso than I ever am. But really... she didn't have to work a full time job, and be basically sole provider for the family. She can just rest when she's not feeling well. I have to go to work. And work is more stressful than ever right now. Money's not coming in, we've had to cut lots of staff, so while I'm the office manager, I'm also the one who does everything. I'm trying to hire a part time receptionist to help out some... but my god, the resumes are horrid. And what is this all for? I just don't feel like anything I'm doing makes a difference to anyone, let alone myself. I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at my age. I tried thinking about making some benchmarks for myself- I'm trying to remember that life is a journey, not a destination... but seriously... I have no clue what to do in this journey, but it just feels like I keep getting a flat tire over and over and I don't make it anywhere.

I admit, I am not good at seeing things I have accomplished, because I'm always trying to push farther ahead. But what can I do now? Who wants to be around someone like me? I don't. But I feel lost on how to change. I feel like life has passed me by and now I'm just stuck here. I worry so much about what my plan should be that I never actually do anything. And I'm honestly not sure I even have the energy to do anything. I completely use myself up at work every day. The worst part is, that I never meant to have a career. I meant to be a stay at home mom. I'm 32 and life is just passing me by. I'm not living. But how do I start?

So the big question is... is this the Lyrica talking, or is this something I really need to address? I have thought these things for years, but I feel a lot more down about it than usual. I guess it's real, but maybe amplified.

1 comment:

  1. You ask if it's the Lyrica talking, or something you need to address. I say both. While on Lyrica, I was foggier and more exhausted than usual. So I stopped taking that and resumed taking Neurontin. Now the fog is less dense (but still there, mind you). But there is still the underlying issue of dealing with chronic pain, of grieving the loss of the life we should have had. That's what needs to be addressed. It's depressing to hurt and be tired all the time! It wears us down until we are but a shell of the person we used to be. And, as you've seen, it affects not only us, but our families and friends as well.