August 27, 2009

Rock Bottom. Help.

It's happened. I've hit rock bottom. I guess you have to hit it in order to move back up. I have to make some changes and fast.

I always liked this phrase: If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got. And then there's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

So the real question is, being as that I know those things, why do I live that way?

I had an appointment with my therapist last night. It's really hard to hear the truth. Especially when the truth is that I'm literally killing myself by trying so hard. She said I'm having that fight or flight response- and my body is fighting like hell and it's killing me. She said those words, many times. It's killing me. Then later, my husband sees me depressed and writhing in pain, and he says that it seems like my pain has increased a ton since I got diagnosed with Fibro, and then he asked if I thought maybe it was all in my head. I know he's just asking a question and not trying to be mean, but that really hurt. I could go on about all the reasons my stress has increased and my ability to manage it has decreased, but really, what's the point. I need to move forward.

So here's where I really need help. I need to figure out how to not over-invest myself in things, particularly work. I want to do a great job, but I need to stop feeling like I own the place and that all of the problems are my burden. The thing is, I'm the office manager. I've always felt that it was my responsibility to make sure we made money and that things ran smoothly. The bigger issue now is that we are in financial trouble. We are really down to skin and bones staff. I'm the only administrative person left. I answer phones, I do the mail, I call for collections, on top of all the things I'm supposed to be doing as manager; I do it all.

How does one separate themselves to not bleed the company's colors, yet still be a great employee? I truly feel lost at this. I cannot go on like I have been though. I'm going to get swallowed up from the stress. It's killing me. I wish I could figure out why I feel such great responsibility for this and yet I'm completely irresponsible when it comes to actually taking care of me.

If anyone has any ideas, or any websites I should look at or books to read... anything. I'm open to suggestion.

I cannot go on like this. I have to make a change. Now.

August 26, 2009

Title Goes Here 8.26.09

I hate trying to come up with a title for my posts. I'm just not that creative.... I guess that's why I'm married to a professional writer then, huh? lol

So, just checking in. My apologies in advance for the bummer post... Yesterday was one of the worst pain days I've had in a while. Everything is seizing up on top of the normal aches and pains and then amplified. It was a 'let's take vicodan all day long kind of day.' Despite the Lyrica and an Ativan last night, I still couldn't sleep because I was hurting so much. Today I feel like I got beat up. I'm exhausted, I can barely walk (though I'm really not supposed to anyway...). This just plain sucks. My right arm is hurting so badly I could barely get my teeth brushed as a two-handed effort and I couldn't brush my hair (though unfortunately that seems to be a regular occurrence lately- that goodness for ponytail holders). Today's not shaping up to be a better day yet. :(

So I'm taking a couple of deep breaths and willing myself to get through the day as best I can.

August 24, 2009

Living and Lyrica

Update on Lyrica. I'm feeling exhausted. It's almost impossible to wake up in the morning. I stopped taking any sleeping pills, so I guess I should try adding them back in... who knows. I'm having weird dreams, and while I don't remember waking up throughout the night, I haven't been this tired for a while.

I felt a bit less pain over the weekend, but now that I'm back at work, I'm really hurting. So is it the stress? Or having to wake up and not take naps? I'm also feeling really depressed. I'm really tired of being in pain, and I'm tired of wearing this stupid boot.

I realized that I don't ever do anything fun, but when I try to figure out what I'd like to do for fun, I have no idea. I think this is all wearing down my husband too. His mom has Chronic Fatigue, so he's used to being around someone who's sick a lot, however he's eluded to me that she was in good spirits moreso than I ever am. But really... she didn't have to work a full time job, and be basically sole provider for the family. She can just rest when she's not feeling well. I have to go to work. And work is more stressful than ever right now. Money's not coming in, we've had to cut lots of staff, so while I'm the office manager, I'm also the one who does everything. I'm trying to hire a part time receptionist to help out some... but my god, the resumes are horrid. And what is this all for? I just don't feel like anything I'm doing makes a difference to anyone, let alone myself. I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at my age. I tried thinking about making some benchmarks for myself- I'm trying to remember that life is a journey, not a destination... but seriously... I have no clue what to do in this journey, but it just feels like I keep getting a flat tire over and over and I don't make it anywhere.

I admit, I am not good at seeing things I have accomplished, because I'm always trying to push farther ahead. But what can I do now? Who wants to be around someone like me? I don't. But I feel lost on how to change. I feel like life has passed me by and now I'm just stuck here. I worry so much about what my plan should be that I never actually do anything. And I'm honestly not sure I even have the energy to do anything. I completely use myself up at work every day. The worst part is, that I never meant to have a career. I meant to be a stay at home mom. I'm 32 and life is just passing me by. I'm not living. But how do I start?

So the big question is... is this the Lyrica talking, or is this something I really need to address? I have thought these things for years, but I feel a lot more down about it than usual. I guess it's real, but maybe amplified.

August 20, 2009


One of these days I'll post my back story... but not today... I'm too tired to think that hard...

Skip to the not too distant past. Me + Cymbalta = floopy (or that's what my husband lovingly referred to it as...) couldn't focus, couldn't think clearly, crashed the front of my car into a giant stationary pillar in a parking garage... you know... floopy. ;) So I told my Rheum that I just couldn't deal with it and that it didn't help the pain anyway.

Cut to a few days off Cymbalta... holy moley, maybe it was helping with the pain... because now it's back, with a vengeance... and it has spread :(

I read a post somewhere the other day that described fibro pain as this: a sunburn under your skin with spikes in it poking out through your skin, which is also sunburned and then an elephant sitting on top of it. Well, I'd say that sums it up. Maybe add setting it on fire somewhere in there too. I mean I have a few different types of fibro pain, but I think that pain that radiates out from my bones is the worst. I used to only get it in my legs once or twice a week. And now we're up to every day, sometimes several times a day and it's not just my legs but also my arms. I sure hope the Rheum is up for calling in some vicodan refills because that's the only thing that even remotely takes the edge off. Fun stuff...

Oh and speaking of the Rheum, I saw him on Monday, and since I revoked the use of Cymbalta, he wants to put me on Lyrica... my mind immediately goes to Lyrica = weight gain, and lots of it. (or so I have read) I mean, I really can't afford to gain another ounce, and since I can't work out because of my ankle *music stops* oh yes- to top all of this other fun stuff off, I twisted my ankle, walked on it for 6 weeks because I figured it was just fibro pain and not really injured, before I let anyone convince me to go to the doctor about it... which resulted in a fracture of my leg bone, a bruise inside of my ankle bone (which is a surprisingly serious deal) and a completely torn ligament. Ohhh fffffuuuuudge... so I have to wear a boot that goes all the way to my knee (my husband has deemed me "Robo-Wife" and loves to sing the Robo-Cop theme whenever I enter a room), an ankle brace under the boot, walk with a cane... well not really supposed to even walk... and see a physical therapist. And they tell we this might take upwards of a year to heal. YEEHAW! The fun never stops...

(like the picture? That's the picture from the website of the boot maker. Suuurreee.... I'd like to see a guy with a broken whatever that requires the use of a boot get out of that hammock. Ha!)

*music starts back up again*
where was I? Oh yes, Lyrica. So as much as I don't want to take it and am completely paranoid about gaining more weight, I'm still trying it. I started it Monday. I'm not feeling any better as far as pain episodes yet, though I will say that it has helped with the sleeping problem. (you know, the whole waking up a million times throughout the night thing...) Though it's reeeeeaaaallly hard to get up in the am.

I really loathe the fact that I have to trade one set of problems for another. I mean, really- either be in horrible pain or be floopy; pain or gain lots of weight. The pain really gets to me, but I'm not sure if it's worth not being able to function, or gaining more weight. If it even works... It's not like the Cymbalta was even making me pain free.
Ah, fibro. <3

Anyway, that's it for now. I'll keep you posted on how the Lyrica does. Tah Tah!

August 18, 2009

Just A Girl...

Just A Girl. That's me. I have a husband, a dog, a job, a car, and a freight train full of stress... you know, your typical average female.

So I've had some drama, well lots of drama, all throughout my life. And here I am, 32 and recently diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (FMS). I've been in a constant flare since February. I got diagnosed in May. And here we are at mid-August. I've been to see a multitude of doctors, read far too many articles on the Internet, and I'm still sitting here at square one. (actually I think I took a few steps back from there...)

At any rate, I thought it was high-time that I started chronicling this experience to help myself see where I'm headed, where I'm at and where I've been.

So this part of my journey begins, a journey of a girl with Fibro, just trying to find a way to lower her stress, reduce her pain and lead a successful and prosperous life. I hope you'll join me, as any journey is always more pleasant with friends at your side.