I'm A Cowardly Lion - I Need Courage

I wake up to the sound of my alarm. Shit. I hit the snooze button.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm. Shit. I hit the snooze button.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm. Shit. Was that three times? I can’t stall anymore. I have to get up. I have to go to work. I’m so exhausted. This sucks.
I roll out of bed. Try to stretch. Pain surges through my body. I look over at my husband and my doggie. They look so warm and comfy in the king sized bed with the soft flannel sheets and the down comforter. Bah. This sucks.
I stumble into the bathroom. Wow, I’m really having a lot of pain this morning. The warm surging ache that starts deep in my bones. The burning sensation in my face. The sharp stabbing pain in my shoulder, neck, back. The strained muscles in my hips and hamstrings. Fuck. I didn’t sleep well again. I’m worried that the Ambien CR is becoming less effective. What am I going to do if that stops working? This has been several nights in a row now. The dark circles under my eyes are really looking bad. I look exhausted. I feel worse.
I go through the motions. Medicine. Bathroom. Brush Teeth. Feed Fish. Get Dressed. Brush Hair. Put on Jewelry. Feed Dog. Kiss Husband Goodbye. Kiss Doggie Goodbye. I’m out the door in 20 minutes. God how I want to lay back down.
I drive to work, barely aware, barely awake. Just have to get there so I can take my pain meds. I think about how I’d like to go back to sleep. But really, it’s not as if I’d feel any better if I slept more.

In my heart and my mind I feel like I need to do something less stressful, with less authority, accountability and responsibility. For years, I have ached over being the breadwinner of our family. I never wanted that, and it’s a huge burden for me. Yet, I love my husband, and I support what he does. I want him to have the opportunity to keep after his dreams and goals. He’s made lots of strides, amazing advances, really, yet nothing pays off financially. It’s so difficult. He promises that things won’t always be like this, but I don’t honestly know how much longer I can continue on with what I am doing. It’s too much for me.

That’s the thing about Fibromyalgia. It seems like a lot of us who get it are these overachiever, do it all types. Then we get sick. It seems like I’ve gotten exponentially worse since I was diagnosed. There’s no magic cure, there’s nothing that anyone can say that will definitely help, and then everything I read and the things I am told by my different doctors all conflict with each other. Meanwhile, I stand by, wondering. If I do “x” will it help? If I do “y” will that help? I try to do the things the doctors suggest, but they tell me I have to come to many of these choices on my own. I know that I don’t want to work the job I’m doing any more. They have been pretty good to me here, but I really honestly do not believe I am capable of doing this type of work anymore. I am struggling. A ton. My brain nor my body can keep up. I’ve tried to relax. I’ve tried taking extra days off. I just honestly believe that I am no longer capable of doing this anymore, because of Fibromyalgia.

People really do not understand what being in constant pain for this long does to you. It expends all of my energy and soul, leaving me with very little left to put in to living life. It’s so tiring, and it builds and builds as the days go on. I’ve never been a very positive person, so trying to be super positive about life and about the situation just feels fake and contrived. I’m finding that it’s really hard to come to acceptance, mainly because it feels like others won’t allow me to do so. I truly think that I need to stop working this job. I have come to that conclusion. I tried to talk to my husband about that, and even about just cutting back my hours, and I don’t know if it’s financial or what, but he just doesn’t agree. I talked to my boss about working less hours, and he doesn’t agree. I know my problems go beyond just working less. And I do think that having some job or volunteer position and regularity is a good thing. But there is a point where it’s too intense. I feel cornered and trapped- a place I have spent a long, long time. I guess I don’t know if doing something different will help either, but that’s what I feel I should do. That’s what all my reading and research point me towards. My life isn’t going to change unless I actually make some changes to it. I’m tired of going through all this needless emotional torment. It’s my turn to be greedy and selfish, and be an asshole about getting what I want. That’s really hard. I say these things here in preparation for trying to actually do them.

Fibro sucks. It’s changed my life. I need to make changes in my life to coincide. It’s the old “but you don’t look sick” that makes it just that much tougher. If I was in a wheelchair, no one would expect me to run a mile. It almost hurts more because I’m not sure that people believe me. My husband said to me the other day- it’s all in your head that you are in pain, right? Well, I guess, yes and no. Pain is always all in your head. It’s your personal perception of feeling something. Am I injured and need to seek medical attention for a cut or a broken bone? No. (though I have failed to go to the doctor with a broken bone, gee, thank you fibro…) Am I in a hell of a lot of pain? Yes. I feel lots of pain. I am hypersensitive to it. And light and noises and temperature and touch. Some times something will bother me, and later it won’t, and later still, it will bother me again. I have problems sleeping. I have chronic fatigue. I have IBS. The list goes on. I feel shitty all of the time. I feel like everything is the tough road for me and my family, all through life. It could be worse, but I just don’t take comfort in that.

I really want to feel better. I really want to make some drastic changes. I feel like the cowardly lion- I just need the courage to do it. And the support.